I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
