you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
