All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
