you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
