I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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