the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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