I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
