the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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