But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
