I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
