I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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