kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
