Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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