sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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