I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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