You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
