I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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