Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
