He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The beers last night were like the tears from god
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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