I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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