what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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