any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
