I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
