Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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