Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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