Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Pooping to opera.
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