There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
