i permit you to call me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
