Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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