I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
