I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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