so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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