Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
bring money and cleavage
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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