Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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