just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
