what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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