you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
