You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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