I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
