She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
