I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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