Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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