Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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