I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
