there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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