I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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