Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
