If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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