i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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