Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
